*Note: I’m going to start writing really informal and unfiltered late night posts that I’ll call Late Night Mumblings. They probably won’t make a lot of coherent sense but that’s fine. Okay cool glad we got that figured out.
I’ve never been that type of person who had a lot of really close friendships.
I’m very particular with who I choose to be friends with and I’m not one of those people who will talk hours into the night and share all their secrets and fears and hopes and dreams.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about why. Why I don’t let myself get too close to anyone. And I think a lot of it has to do with fear.
I guess I’m just really afraid of being fully known by someone? I’m scared to let people in because I don’t want them to see the things about me that I hate. There are things I wish I didn’t even know about myself and the thought of other people knowing those things is really terrifying.
I think there’s another layer of fear too. I think I fear that I’ll hurt people if I let them get too close. In that book The Fault in Our Stars, the main character talks about how she feels like a grenade. She doesn’t want to let anyone get to close to her because she fears that if she “blows up” she’ll hurt all those around her. I really get that. I’ve always had this horrible fear of hurting the people I love. It’s easier to keep my distance than risk hurting someone I care about.
But lately I’ve started to feel the negative effects of living like this. I build barrier after barrier to keep people safe from me. But I don’t think I want that anymore?
I don’t think I want to keep people at a distance. I mean I suppose some people won’t like what they see if I let them in, but I guess I can’t be bothered to care anymore. I think the reality is I have friends who will see me and accept my brokenness and embrace my mess.
And I don’t think I need to be so afraid of hurting people. It’ll happen, I’ll hurt people, but I think that’s part of what we sign up for when we become friends with someone? Friendship is a two-way risk. We agree to get close knowing that it could get messy and I think that’s kind f the beauty of it.
I mean, I’ve never learned anything about my friends that drove me away and I’d risk being hurt because I trust and love my friends.
I’m not sure but I think I’m finally understanding that is okay to need friends and to let them know you.
Because frankly pushing people away is exhausting and it hasn’t been working too well.
I think I’m hopeful.