Dear July,
I went to orientation today. That was weird. And also fun. I’m going to be going to school with some really weird people.
I can’t wait.
Love, Nikki Robinson
PS- I’m leaving for Sandblast in 6 hours so you may not hear from me for a few days depending on if I get service there
Dear July,
I feel suspended.
Suspended above my life.
Not really participating, but observing.
I’m watching it all happen but I’m not doing anything to affect the outcome.
I’m suspended.
Detached.
Separate.
There are times when I lower enough to where my feet can touch the ground and I can move and dance and interact and take control.
But then I’m swiftly lifted back up.
Suspended high above it all.
Watching the tiny people below me.
I watch them run and play and laugh and cry.
I watch them make decisions and choices.
I watch them light up with passion and take control of their life.
I watch them and I long to be them.
But suspended in the sky I’m separated.
Truth be told I could untie myself from this rope and drop down to earth.
But I’m afraid of the fall.
And what if I don’t like it on the ground?
What if I get hurt?
What if I make the wrong choice or run the wrong way or love the wrong person?
What if I get it wrong?
What if I get hurt?
At least up here I’m safe.
Up here I can keep my distance.
Up here I’m untouchable.
But-
What if I don’t get hurt?
What if I make the right choice and run the right way and love the right person?
What if I get it right?
Is it worth the risk?
Is it worth the inevitable hurt for the possible love?
Is it better to stay up here and feel nothing?
Or drop down and feel everything?
Love, Nikki Robinson
PS- Sorry these letters haven’t been very consistent, July. I’ve been a bit under the weather and have fallen asleep a few times before writing to you.
Dear July,
I’m on a bus.
I’ve been on this bus for a long time. As long as I can remember.
And there’s a lot of people on this bus.
Some people are next to me or just across the aisle. Always willing to have a chat.
Some are a few rows away but they’re always friendly.
Sometimes people get up and move to a seat closer to me or a seat farther than me.
And sometimes people get off the bus entirely.
But I have my constants.
A few people I’ve been riding this bus with for years and years.
They’re the people who don’t mind if my head accidentally falls onto their shoulder while I’m asleep or if I accidentally bump them with my baggage.
I’ve been riding with a good bunch.
But there’s a stop coming up and the driver says everyone’s getting off- except me.
Of course I also knew that eventually my people would get off this bus and onto different busses, but this next stop is approaching awfully quickly.
I can see it. I can see the next stop.
And there’s three girls waiting there to get on.
I guess I’m going to be riding with them for awhile. I hope they’re kind.
So July, I’ll do my best to welcome these strangers into the bus that I’ve shared with so many I love.
And perhaps one of those old friends will join the new ones some day back on my bus.
Love, Nikki Robinson
Dear July,
I just went and saw Inside Out with MaryRose tonight and it was brilliant. Everything about it was so well done and it’s just such an important movie.
I really liked the part when joy and sadness worked together to control Riley’s brain. I really get that. For example, I’ve been thinking about leaving my friends when I go to college and there’s a lot of sadness in leaving but also a lot of joy in the fact that I have these people in my life who I’ve gotten to make such great connections with to the point where I’ll miss them.
I guess I find joy in the fact that I’ve been surrounded by people who I’ve loved so much that I’ll be sad when they leave.
I don’t know, July, but I felt a sort of comfort and validation in this little children’s animated movie.
Love, Nikki Robinson
Dear July,
I think I’m slowly learning the importance of taking care of myself.
A lot of times I’ll make dumb decisions and not get enough sleep or eat food that tastes great but makes me feel gross, and lately I’ve been realizing how dumb that is. And so I’ve been working on it. I’ve been trying to have a relatively normal sleep schedule and stay hydrated and eat food that at least has a little bit of nutritional value.
And I think taking care of yourself is just so incredibly important and so overlooked. I don’t know July, but I feel like I should’ve been clued into this. Like I wish someone had told me that it’s okay to say no to going out at night if I really just want to read and go to bed early. And sure I’m still a pretty big mess but at least I’m trying and getting a bit better, right July?
Also in addition to taking care of your physical self, I think I’m starting to learn the importance of taking care of your mental self. Like finding your hobbies and activities you can do just for you. Or finding a time to be alone and collect all your thoughts. Or making sure you surround yourself with good supportive people. For example, tonight I discovered I really like watercolor painting and find it incredibly relaxing. I’ve also discovered this summer that I feel the same way about reading and writing. When I read or write or paint I’m doing it just for me and just for my enjoyment and there’s something really relaxing and rejuvenating about that.
So yea July. I’m going to keep working on taking care of myself, because I frickin deserve it.
Love, Nikki Robinson
Dear July,
My parents came home a few hours ago after being gone two weeks.
I also got a terrible migraine a few hours ago.
Coincidence?
Love, Nikki Robinson
Dear July,
Here are some things that have been on my mind,
1. My head and my room are connected. I’ve been deep cleaning my room for the past week and I’m definitely thinking clearer. Weird.
2. The idea of roommates is so weird. Like I’m suddenly going to be living and sleeping next to this stranger? Weird.
3. I’ve discovered I really enjoy reading this summer. Now that I don’t have to do it for school I’m realizing I really like it. Weird.
Everything’s weird, July.
Love, Nikki Robinson
Dear July,
I’m so sorry I haven’t written to you these past few days. Becca was in town and I was so busy having adventures and getting up to mischief with her that I ran out of time to write to you.
Anyways, these past several days I’ve been surrounded by so many of my friends. Whether it was getting pizza with Becca, cleaning my room with Jenna and Erica, partying at Zoe’s or the multiple grad parties, I’ve been surrounded by the people I care most about.
And July, I just feel really lucky to have these people.
I’m one of those lucky people who has a safe and supportive group to live life with and I’m so incredibly thankful.
Except of course I always have to find the negative in a good situation and well July, I’m about to lose this support system in a month and a half when I go to college. Sure I’ll see them on breaks and we can Skype but it’s going to be a lot different.
July, I’m just scared.
I’m scared I won’t find a squad. I won’t find someone to eat a pizza and watch girl code with me. I won’t find someone to lay in the park with me at midnight and listen to music. I won’t find someone who will wear sloppy outfits to Jewel with me to get ice cream and macaroni. I won’t find someone who will by matching sweatshirts from the boys clearance section of target with me. I won’t find someone who will teach me how to accept the parts of myself that I don’t like. You see July, I’m afraid I won’t find my people.
I’ve been lucky so far but what if my luck runs out?
July, I don’t want to be stuck with a bunch of shallow friends.
I need a ride or die crew to keep me afloat and at my best.
July, I just hope I find support.
Love, Nikki Robinson
Dear July,
I just found out where I’m going to be living and who my roommates are going to be next year and they seem like pretty chill girls. I’m actually surprised how relieved I am that I’m not going to live with weirdos or psychopaths.
Thank you for giving me that peace of mind, July.
I must go to bed now- Becca’s coming tomorrow morning!!!
Love, Nikki Robinson
Dear July,
I think everything is over gendered and it’s hurting us. I’m specifically talking about clothes.
See, I’d say I have a pretty specific style. I know what I like to wear and what I don’t like to wear. And a lot of times I like to wear tshirts or sweatshirts or long sleeves with jeans and sneakers. And I usually don’t like to wear shirts that are really tight or low cut or fancy. I’m not the most girly person and I never have been that way and probably never will be. And for the longest time I would search through the women’s section of clothing stores to find tshirts without super tiny sleeves or button up shirts that weren’t over tailored to fitted to every curve.
It wasn’t until I started helping my older and fashion-challenged brother shop for clothes that I realized what I was missing. The men’s section of stores had the type of hoodies and tshirts and joggers that I had been looking for. But, because of the distinct separation between women’s and men’s clothing, I had never had access to the type of clothing I wanted and that just makes me so mad.
You see July, I wish it wasn’t a thing. I wish I didn’t feel intimidated and anxious every time I want to browse through the men’s section for a new flannel or patterned tank top. I wish that the 5 year old boy I babysit for didn’t get upset when he wanted to play dress up but thought he wasn’t allowed to because “dresses are for girls”. I wish that a junior high boy could wear a pink polo shirt to school without being teased and called gay or some other name intending in a derogatory way. I wish clothing didn’t belong to only one gender or the other.
July, I just want to be able to buy “men’s clothes”, or as I like to call them “clothes”, without it being a thing.
Love, Nikki Robinson
to make a melody of these creaking bones 